The Flavors (AKA: The Shit You're About to Get Yourself Into)

The Flavors (AKA: The Shit You’re About to Get Yourself Into)

Here’s what you’re getting into, organized by difficulty so you can build your skills as you go—or ignore my advice entirely and jump straight to the hard stuff like the reckless bastard you probably are:

CHILL

Start here if you’re new to ambitious ice cream or just want something delicious without the existential drama

Coconut Pandan — Thailand’s answer to vanilla, except it’s green and tastes like vacation in a bowl

Sinh Tố Bơ — Vietnam said “fuck it, avocados are dessert now” and they were absolutely RIGHT

Cardamom-Pistachio Kulfi — India’s been freezing dairy for centuries and making it look easy while the rest of us struggle like idiots

LEGIT

You’ve made custard before without completely shitting the bed and you’re ready for some complexity

Horchata — Mexico’s most refreshing street drink, now cold enough to hurt your teeth in the best way

Miso Matcha — Japan’s umami bomb meets ceremonial tea in the world’s fanciest “what the hell am I eating” ice cream

Chili Mango — Mexico City street vendors have been doing this for decades, we just froze it like the geniuses we are

Wattleseed & Macadamia — Australian bush tucker meets buttery nuts (yes, wattleseed is fucking real, look it up)

Tarte Tatin — France’s upside-down apple flex, now you can eat it with a spoon like a civilized degenerate

Gochugaru and Sesame — Korean chile that’s fruity as hell meets toasted nuttiness in a combo that slaps

Rum Banana — Haiti said “what if we made banana pudding drunk and tropical” and honestly, bless them

Golden Milk and Date — India’s turmeric latte meets its oldest sweetener in a pairing that’s been making sense for thousands of years

Brown Bread — Ireland’s been putting soda bread in everything and honestly we finally get it now

Atole de Anis — Mexican breakfast corn drink that absolutely nobody asked us to freeze (but here we are, doing it anyway)

Bocadillo y Café — Colombia’s tropical fruit meets dark coffee in a mashup that shouldn’t work but absolutely fucking does

Sfogliatelle — Naples’ most extra pastry, shellacked and frozen for your convenience because we’ve all lost our minds

Sichuan Plum — Chinese five-spice doing its thing with stone fruit that actually cooperates for once

THE REAL DEAL

Multiple components, precise technique, and the kind of commitment usually reserved for long-term relationships

Brown Butter Pecan — The Deep South’s been perfecting this for generations and we’re just trying to keep up without embarrassing ourselves

Tahini Rose — Turkey and the Middle East doing sesame desserts at an Olympic level that makes the rest of us look like amateurs

Chile Chocolate — chile heat meeting dark chocolate in the combination ancient gods intended before we screwed it all up

Piri Piri Cashew Coconut — Mozambique’s Portuguese-influenced chile meets creamy vegan chaos in the best possible way

Coffee & Berbere — Ethiopia invented coffee, then said “what if we made it SPICY” like the absolute legends they are

Earl Grey and Burnt Honey — Britain’s fancy tea party meets controlled arson (in the best way)

Pain Patate — Haiti’s sweet potato pudding cake that’s been crushing it for decades while we slept on it

Brigadeiro & Passion Fruit — Brazil’s chocolate fudge balls meet tropical brightness in a flavor war they both win

Lemon and Rosemary Honey — Greek islands where olive oil goes in dessert and somehow that’s normal and also incredible

Nabulsi Knafeh — Levantine cheese dessert that’s salty, sweet, crunchy, and floral all at once (yes, there’s goat cheese, deal with it)

A FUCKING ORDEAL

You’ve been warned, cowboy. Turn back now or embrace your fate.

New Orleans Chicory Coffee & Beignet — New Orleans at 3 AM: yeasted dough, frying oil, chicory coffee, rum-soaked regret, and poor life decisions that somehow taste incredible

Appalachian Pawpaw & Maple — Appalachia’s forgotten tropical fruit that only exists for two weeks a year (good fucking luck finding it)